Thursday, April 20, 2006

Introducing... DOWNER GIRL!!!

Warning: this ends on a bit of a downer note... don't say I didn't warn ya!!

Tomorrow I am taking the kids here. Well, my sister and I are taking my 2 and Jaben's friend. It should be a LOT of fun! Normally I can't afford things like this very easily, but after I paid off some bills with my income tax this year, I put some into a savings account to do fun things over the summer. Spring break counts, right??

This will be good for me too. I am stressing over finding a teenager to be a weekend or sometime babysitter for things I have to go to this spring and summer without the kids, I'm PMS-y, and just feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. I need a break!! And hopefully with my sister along I'll be able to have her watch Ky and catch a few good rides myself. Sometimes that whole "single mom of 2" thing is a little much It's not too bad with just one... I didn't realize at the time how easy it was to just have Jaben... but it really was. I can't even imagine having 3 or 4!! I know women who did it and I don't know how! Have to respect that. I never, EVER imagined it'd be SUCH a big difference to add one child to the group, but it really is.

I'm sure it's not as much when there are 2 of you doing it, but being mom and dad to 2 kids - no matter how great your support system - is tough. Not always... there are times when it feels like a breeze and I'm in a rhythm and I could do this forever. But then there are weeks like this one when it all hits and you just feel like you need a break, or someone to say hey, you're doing a good job. It. Is. Hard. I would never change having my kids - EVER- but man, some days I really wish someone else was responsible for them too -- just so I cold feel free to go do something without feeling like I had to rush back out of guilt for leaving the kids. Work is not time off... work is work.

And please don't tell me I chose this. With the first one, yes. But not with the second. I refuse to go into details about Ky's father, but basically he was always talking about wanting "one of our own" and I used to say I didn't think I wanted any more. Obviously I wasn't THAT worried about it or he wouldn't be here... it's just ironic that he was the one to claim he wanted a baby with me, and I'm the one raising him. I wouldn't want to raise Kyan with his father... the guy... well, not such a great guy after all... but it'd be nice to have someone great to help raise both kids. Jaben has always wanted a DAD, but at this point I really think he's just not going to get one.

And that part really sux.

1 comment:

Michele said...

I applaud and commiserate. We have twins, and even with my husbands help we both still want someone else to step in and be the responsible parent for a while.
It is HARD WORK, every day.

You are stronger than you know but you dont realize it until you become a mother.