I read a lot of blogs. The ones on the sidebar are the ones I read the most, but occasionally, when I have time, I skim the blogrolls of other blogs or follow links to read new things. Today I found myself directed to Her Bad Mother. I've read her a bit, but not often. No reason for that, she's interesting and well written, but that's not the point. I mention her because of this post. Go read it, I'll wait.
All done? Excellent.
Right now, my 10-yr old is playing video games. My 1-1/2 yr old is crying. This is not an unusual situation in my house. The crying, that is. Kyan cries more than any child I've ever known. Not only does he cry a lot, but he doesn't sleep well. He cries in his sleep, he thrashes, he moans. He is firmly in the grip of toddler temper tantrums, he fights diaper changes to the point where I've started using pull-ups some of the time so I don't have to fight him into a clean diaper -- I can wiggle him into pull-ups much easier... while he's standing, and I don't get kicked. Oh and it's probably topping out at I'd guess 40 degrees outside right now and he just handed me his pajama top. And then screamed at me to put it on. And then screamed when I tried to. Spirited? You betcha. Ask whoever the person was at the Chinese restaurant we went to last night how spirited he is. I'm sure 1/2 (at least) his food ended up on the floor. And that was with me catching most of it. Does he know that's not okay? I like to think so, but who knows? He's one.
I can be very blase about this right now. It's morning, I actually slept some last night, I've got a million and one things to do today and am putting it off even tho I'm trying like hell to be cool about how much I can actually accomplish today. Clean house? No problem. Jaben needs a new winter coat because Mother Nature decided fall was expendable this year? Got it covered. Need Halloween costumes for both boys? Not to worry. And the Halloween decorations, play lines, cookies that are begging to be baked, switched bedrooms desperately needing organized and laundry needing to be done so nobody has to go nekkid in this frigid Ohio weather? Got it, got it, and got it. No problem.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME????
Motherhood is HARD. It just is. And the more kids and people you add into the mix, the harder it gets. I have nothing but the utmost respect for moms of many. I do not know how they do it. Single moms of 3 or more? Saints.
A spirited child - just one - can make you feel like the worst mom alive. I have a lot of days when I can't imagine how I'm going to get thru this, how I'm going to do it, what I did wrong that he can't tolerate a diaper change or won't eat a thing for me even tho I know his little tummy is growling. I've wondered - a lot - what I was thinking, raising 2 boys by myself. I know I didn't make the decision to have them by myself, but it's worked out that I'm raising them. Family help is invaluable and I don't know what I'd do without them. I couldn't. Plain and simple. My mother is amazing and we'd be lost without her. We tell her, but I don't think she really realizes how much we appreciate all she does.
And to do it 100%, completely on my own? That would be a nightmare.
Everyone gets overwhelmed with it sometimes. You gotta. It's the nature of the job. If you don't fumble or get frustrated sometimes then you're not really all that involved. You can't be perfect when your emotions are involved, and I can't think of anything more emotional than being a mom. It's hard, it sux, it's sleep deprivation and the entire world of these little people resting on your shoulders, it's oh-God-what-am-I-doing confusing, awful, puke-soaked, wouldn't change it for the world, morning hugs and bedtime kisses, amazing, rewarding and wonderful all at the same time.
And especially now, with 2 - one who's spirited and the other who has ADD - the hardest thing I've ever done.
But I love my boys with all my heart and soul and I would never, ever change anything that brought them to me for anything ever.
So Her Bad Mother... you're not alone. Sometimes we're all bad mothers. Sometimes we're all lost and wondering if anyone else feels this way or if we really just suck. We do suck. We're the best sucky moms there are. And your daughter is going to be amazing - even more amazing - as she grows. And you're the luckiest woman in the world because you get to watch the whole thing.
I promise you, from one bad mother to another, it gets better and it is worth every second.